somebody from my heart sang i could turn off and never wake up




I can understand the manic state that some writers enter when they’re desperate to put words on the page. It’s the only way to immortalize what you’re feeling or thinking at that exact moment in some tangible way, lest it be lost forever. These words I’m writing now are a product of a moment that was triggered by various external factors that could likely be replicated, but it’s extremely unlikely the mood would strike to write again, and odds are astronomically low that it would be the same string of characters. Because of this, I felt some desire for them to be saved. By writing these words, I’m immortalizing something– that’s for sure– but that something is not what I’m feeling in this moment.

I don’t know what that something is.

The best I can describe it is perhaps a symbolic representation of a moment in time. Both literally and figuratively, that’s what this writing is. It’s what all written language is, I suppose. I could use descriptive terms to describe my surroundings and even tell you what song I’m listening to, but that wouldn’t be interesting to read. Or would it? It appears boring to me only because it’s lacking in novelty. On your end, what I am experiencing in this moment is a sea of endless possibility that is given form only by your imagination and my scarce use of words.

If I’m deliberately not grasping for an accurate description of the physicality of this moment, then what exactly am I grasping at?

What is the most real purpose of this, or any writing?

Maybe it’s only to get the reader’s attention– everything else is interpretation.

Addendum: Not all interpretations created are equal.


Often I’ll just sit here trying to get inspired to write and fail, as I’m doing now. I’m currently listening to Water by Aesop Rock and lamenting the fact that nothing I write will ever come close to any of his work. Writing is in his veins– he was born to do it. You could spend your entire life analyzing all of his music and you’d be lucky to decipher a fraction of it,
and that’s if you’re smart. To the average person the lyrics appear nonsensical–it’s understandable I suppose, you might as well be standing in a foreign temple trying to read hieroglyphs, but I’d argue until my dying breath that it’s not nonsense. I’ll definitely regret it if I never get to meet him, he’s my favorite solo artist and a living legend.

Maybe I’m just trying too hard– the main goal of this entire site is to be a record of my writings and thoughts for posterity, it’s not like I think I’m creating anything deserving of accolades. Like most writers (I’d assume), I’m overly critical of my work and think it’s nothing special, if not garbage. But I like it being out there– I like having created something, even if it’s worthless. I really don’t think I’ll ever have kids but I still want to leave something behind, so this is what I’ve chosen. I’m also hedging against the possibility of dying much earlier than I should– this way, even if I do, friends and family will have stuff to read and remember me by.

If that’s the biggest goal, then it’d make more sense to focus on quantity instead of quality…but I can’t do it. It’d be too easy to rattle off strings of random words and thoughts, anyone could do that. At least this way, I can say I tried to write something good. I could never write everything I want to write in one lifetime anyway…I don’t think anyone could. You can see David Bowie’s struggle with that assertion in his music video for Lazarus. I highly recommend you watch it.

“Now one in the hand is worth two atop the tallest cedar, but what lies inside my heart is off the motherfucking meter.” – Aesop Rock


The point of this writing amounts to nothing more than posterity. If someone were to quote something I said after my life has ended, then I consider my work done here. Let’s just say I’m a bit more than skeptical of my ability to write something worth reading, so I’ll settle for that. Being quoted in a positive way means you’ve said something insightful, and for someone other than yourself to acknowledge that is an honor. Through your words, you may help others find the truth they seek.

What is your truth?

Each of us endowed with a sound mind possesses the power to direct others, insofar as they will allow. Everyone is different; each person is susceptible to varying degrees of suggestion and control. To be on either end of the spectrum can be a blessing or a curse. Someone impressionable can be taught with ease, but will fall prey to deception more often. Stubborn individuals won’t be swayed so easily, but this quality can backfire in the face of genuine helpful advice.

If you choose to cultivate this ability, proceed with caution.


What is “making it” exactly? How do you measure success? Personally, I measure it by how much you’ve helped others according to your ability. Bill Gates has helped by giving an enormous amount to charity (not to mention everything he did for technology), and believe it or not even people like Kanye West have done much for the world. Think of all the people his music has pleased, or how many youth it has helped get through a tough day. You can have all the riches or genius in the world, but if none of it has been put towards making the world a better place then that person is no better than me who has also contributed nothing. I’d say they are worse, even, because they have the wealth to do so and I do not.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I’m not religious by any means, but I feel some of the messages are still applicable today.

As is anyone, I’m far from perfect. There’s no question that I’m selfish in some ways. It’s the main reason I don’t want any children. To be a good parent you need to dedicate your life to your children; you are no longer living for just yourself, you’re also living for them. I can’t deal with the weight of that responsibility. I want my free time to be me time. I want to be able to skydive out of a plane with no parachute and blast off to the next dimension (hopefully) at a moment’s notice.

How are you supposed to do that in good conscience when there’s people depending on you? I don’t think you can outside of extreme circumstances. For example: if someone is in constant pain every single day, physical or mental, then I believe they should be able to decide whether they want to live or die with no repercussions.

It’s widely regarded to be extremely selfish to commit suicide. I don’t consider it extremely selfish, but I can’t deny that someone who commits it might not realize the harm they are inflicting on others in doing so. On the other hand, you also have to consider that expecting a person to continue living in misery just so you don’t have to be sad is also selfish.

It goes both ways.


I’m not the most hard-working person. In fact, if you were to put me in a group of 100 people, chances are high I’m the most lazy person in the mix. I can’t put a finger on why, I’ve just always been this way. If a project was due in school, I would never finish it. I’d never even START it. However, my laziness does not permeate every single aspect of my life. When it comes to certain things, I’m very willing. One of those things is reading– there’s a good chance I’ll read an entire page’s worth about a topic that is completely inconsequential to me. At the very least I have a thirst for knowledge, and I’m grateful for that.

Unfortunately, most of the knowledge I’ve acquired has no useful application towards building a livelihood. Regarding what I know about, I won’t bother to go too in depth because I don’t feel that it’s interesting or impressive. Mostly it’s knowledge of entertainment, something I’ve consumed daily for a great portion of my life. Music, movies, TV shows, games. I can hold a conversation if it’s on one of those topics, and I’ll even offer suggestions based on your taste, but I can’t do small talk or introductions.

Small talk and introductions are a crippling weakness of mine. Why? I don’t go to school (yet?). I don’t have kids. I don’t have plans. If asked about any of those things, the best I can offer is “Uhh…”. This has led me to become sort of a pariah– you can imagine the reaction of your average person who often measures theirs and others’ worth solely by what they contribute to society. I may as well be a social leper. I’ve been looked at with degrees of disdain and disappointment that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So instead of risk having to deal with this reaction, oftentimes I just forgo meeting or talking to people at all. Admittedly, this hasn’t been the best course of action on my part. I agree with the “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” sentiment a good deal, although what you know definitely matters. I don’t know many people, nor do I know anything particularly profitable, so I haven’t made it very far in life. This has mostly been due to inaction on my part.

Actually, at 25, I don’t think I’ve made it anywhere at all.

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